Rest in Pieces

Erase me
Like I erased you
Leave the pieces to rest
Walk away
There’s nothing here
Worth fighting for
This heart is cold
Colder than this world
The fire we danced around
Died with the winds of change
Our footprints remain
Waiting for the waves
To wash them away
Erase me
Like everything else
Go light a fire
In a different place
Dance
To your heart’s content
For this heart
Is done, laid to rest

One Day

What better feeling would it be to look back on your life and think, with all the confusion and the hardships life brought you, you have done more than you ever thought you could. You have surpassed your dreams and now you have lived a life bigger than a dream. How good would that feeling feel? To know that you finally succeeded, when back then all you had was unpredictability. To finally be at peace with your heart and your mind knowing that you can safely leave this world, without a single care.

I want to feel that way.  Yes, I really do.

One day, I want to stand at the end of the road and look back at everything and cry a silent tear of joy and smile the most genuine smile I will ever smile, for me. A smile for my little victories in this vast universe. To finally be content. I want to feel the darkness inside me, slowly detach from my body and stand next to me as a shadow staring back, just as I am. At the end of the path, we stand as two lone figures. I am white and my shadow is black. I want him to look at me and smile as I smile back at him. The last goodbye. Where we part ways after the long battle inside in which we fought together, fought each other for so long. Parting ways with a shake of a hand as friends. No more enemies, no more conflict. A peaceful harmony settled in after the discord of the past. Praising each other on being the greatest challenge, strength and weakness to each other, and finally walking away.

This is the last thing I want to see. This is the last thing I want to feel. My greatest enemy, becoming my best friend. My soul at peace, content finally. The search for the perfect equilibrium, the quest to fulfill an unsung dream, finally over.

I have won the battle of life.

A Prisoner of Your Eyes

Prisoner of Your Eyes

Your eyes inspire me in so many ways. There’s a dark beauty inside that resonates a story in my head. It heightens my pulse and makes my heart beat faster. It pierces my darkness and leaves me hanging for a moment. I’m a prisoner of your eyes, lost, alone and enwrapped in bliss. A passionate mystery in which I find escape.  An ephemeral wave of hope it brings, like the flickers of a candle about to burn out, glowing bright in its final moment before the darkness encloses. Just as it began, the wave ends, leaving me yearning for more. Yearning to look deep into your eyes again and embrace your soul to feel the warmth I’ve never felt. The whispers of your soul instigate the words I long to say, through my veins and into my fingers, on to a random piece of paper. Meanings form in black ink and the paper becomes a treasure. The treasure I lock away from the prying eyes of the world, so that I only I could read the story of your eyes. The story that illuminates the darkness and pieces together the fragments which fall apart, the story that sheds hope to the quiet desolation within, the story that reminds me of everything I yearn for and everything I will never attain.

Beautiful, Beautiful Night

On a night like this
We are two strangers
Pining for each other
Walking on the wrong path
Searching for a stolen heart
Disconnected from the screen
We found each other in
Keeping our faith on
This beautiful, beautiful night
Wishing on transient stars
That come out to shine

The Mystery of The Windows Media Player, The Battery Kaleidovision, The Sabby, The Tool, The Google Docs and The Old Note

Today marks the first day I am writing something in Google Docs. But who gives a fuck.. 10,000days just started…who gives a fuck right? So, today I settled in for an early night after a long time.But I wanted some excitement before I turned in. So, the easiest escape was to smoke up a joint. So I rolled a small, chocloate flavored one and did the ritual. Put on some music first. Felt like listening to some Eurythmics, Incubus, Coldplay, Evanescence topped off nicely with some Tool (see above). …guitar solo… So after I flushed down the renants of the J, I sat down to liten to the music. I had switched off the lights before and the msuic was playing in the darkness. Fuck, I just typed that line fast without making any errors. I was looking at the playlist wondering which song to play next, when suddneyl something caught my eye. It was the Windows Media Player visulaization, Battery slpeeyspray. It was wonderful. Fucking wonderful. I stared at it with the music in my head. And I let go of myself staring into the beauty before me. Then I changed the visualization to Battery Kaleidovision. This was like a sphere of orange, like a circle moving in two opposite directions. trying to turn my head to both sides was quite fun. hehe.

then i …aaah the table part in right in 2…build up….

then i checked twitter again, since that;’s like become a necessity in the daily life/routine/ratrace. then i saw that Sabby was online. So i decided to chat to her. While writing this post. Thats about hte time i starte writing te post. that was right after me being unsure whether i should use firfox or microsoft word to browse the net. Then i started typing the post.. Today marks the first day….

I considered copying the fist part of my post so that the post get repeated liek a cycle.and there’s no end. kinda like the daily routine where you get sucked into the same thing over and over again. but then i thought you guys would judge me. i dont know how. fuc.k. i started swaying to the music thinking about the post, resting aginst the back of my chair rocking back and forth, soothingly. Inside my clsoed eyes i saw the kaleidovision motions again. and through the motions i ran, writing this post on the walls of orange. Smearing my story for the world to see. And then i opened my eyes. i had finished the post in my head. i had fast forwarded the whole thing in my head. i had to retrace my steps and go through it slowly if i wanted to actually write the post on Google Docs (FTW )

My chat was sabby was very intrersting. (THanks Sabby ).. This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality..embrace this moment remember.. ahh i fucking lost it. I have work tomorrow. Mood killer. Switch thoughts. Thoughts switched. Parabola is over. Cue Stinkfist. Play. It’s 12:19. i was supposed to sleep early. I will never learn. I think to myself, maybe Sabby deserves to be included on this post.SO I go over to Gmail and ask her whether she wants to say hi to my post. Before she replies with a yes. I write the next part. “She says yes.” So world, Sabby sens a hi to you all with this post. Everybody say Hiii Sabbyy!

I’m so happy. I dont know how to explain this feeling. I’m so happy. But really tired. I go to the Google Docs dash board and see a draft marked untitled. I click. It opens. Woah. Who saw that coming right? Jeez. And here lies a post that I HAVE WRITTEN ON GOOGLE DOCS BEFORE!!! Oh my my my…Do you know hard it is to type a sentence in CAPS while holding the SHIFT key, and not pressing CAPSLOCK because you aretoo stoned to do move that one particular finger, and bob around trying to find the right keys?. I could never remember writing this. damn. so i start reading it. Bunch of crap. I contemplate whether i should post it whith this post. i give sabby a good piece of advice. Listen to Tool. She already does. Eulogy, man is so amazing. Its the last song on the playlist. Damn. I need more music btu what would top Tool? Think. Tool again. Shit this post is too long. I wonder how much further I can go on. I. listening to Eulogy now. Damn I cant remembe rwhat I was thinking last.

100,00 days just started. again.

THE END.

SHould i post my older note on this?….

ok. please find below.

……..
My mind is made up I’m on my way
Nothing in the world could lead me astray

Your tears leave permanent stains on your cheek

And your smile lines never run too deep

You are what I believe in when I have nothing else

Let the sun shine, but don’t let it burn me

Let the rain fall but don’t drown me

Let the waves crash but don’t take me away

I looked at the last of the light fading in the distant sky. I did not look forward to another lonely night in this cold place. I needed to move, find a better place to sleep in tonight. As far as I know, the world is literally mine. Everyone has been washed away in the massive tides that took over the world. I dont know how I survived. I wish I didnt. At first when I found myself floating on a wooden plank, battered and bleeding but breathing, I thanked a god that I did not believe in, for keeping me alive. My breathes were shallow and deep at the same time. But it was the best feeling ever.

He let go of her hand. It was time to go home. Back to the reality of an old apartment, an unsuspecting wife and a miserable job. Back to the life where he must forget his weaknesses and fake his strengths.

It felt heavy in my hand. A
……..

…..you were my witness my eyes, my evidence/
Judith Marie, unconditional one

Dear Me,

Put down that book and read this letter. The book is never going to help you anyway. What you achieve is going to come from the world outside; school books will only get you so far in life. You will only know 8 answers to the Science Part 1 paper in your O/L’s. (Sorry to be blatant so soon, but that’s how prepared you were). The rest is going to come from the guy two rows away, who is going to get it from the guy who is 2 seats in front of you, who got it from.. god knows where. Yes you are going to copy, and don’t act like you don’t know it. But it’s OK, have fun doing it and don’t get caught, because after your O/L’s you are never going to copy again. Not because you can’t, it’s because you don’t have to.

Your band, Chaos, it’s not going to be anything you dreamed it would be. It’s not going to be anything at all. You will write lyrics, you will design the album cover and also decide how you guys are going to make your first live performance. Yet you will forget to learn the instruments and never play. This will come by being complacent after the exams and thinking that tomorrow will always be there. You will soon learn how wrong you were. However, don’t stop dreaming, I never did. Your dreams are only limited by your imagination, make the most of it.

Your passion for music and your obsession with the band is going to lead to you start writing. Do not throw this stuff away, and do not stop writing. It will come in handy later on when you are almost my age. Your inspiration will first come from the pain you went through with the girl who scarred you for life. Hate her all you want, but you can’t ever escape the fact that even for one day in your life, you loved her with all your heart. Learn to channel the negativity in life into something profound. This will be tough at first, but later on you will come to realize that pain is an old friend and will always remain close to you.

Pretty soon, you will learn a secret about your life which was hidden from the day you were born. This will crush you and you will see that the life you lived up to now had been a lie. Confront this feeling, and talk to the people who matter. You will realize that the ones who kept the secret did it for your own good, yet, you will appreciate the ones who told you. If not for them, I would still be living a lie.

Your love life will be on the rocks for sometime. But thereafter it’s going to be pretty amazing with a pretty amazing person. However, remember you will never truly heal, and you will always crumble when you least expect it. To be honest, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Learn to get up again, it’s what will make you me. You will realize that you are your best friend and also your worst enemy. Very few will understand you, and you won’t fail to leave those who do pretty confused too. But you can’t expect anything more from them, when even you can’t understand yourself, can you? Do you understand me?

For a few years, you will try to live carefully. You will monitor yourself in the face of others and always strive for a good image. This will end soon. You will realize that nothing is worth it, and carefree is the way to go. You will be afraid at first, others will worry about you, but deep down inside you never really give a shit. You will learn this the hard way, and I’m not going to make it any easier for you.

Your regrets will plague you, but not unless you act upon it. The only real advice I can give you, is don’t be afraid and don’t back down. If you got this down pat, then you will probably never know me, because then I will probably never exist. And everything I said above will be redundant. But just to make it interesting, let’s see if we do follow the same path. The older Me never wrote a letter to me and I had to figure things out on my own. So appreciate this, fool. My letter to you won’t help you figure things out either, because the best lessons you learn are the ones you learn on your own.

Do things just because you can. Live like today is your last day on earth. Don’t judge others and stop trying to keep them from judging you. Learn to get high on life. You will realize no substance can match this high, because it comes from within. Learn to appreciate your family and not distance them. Don’t hold back, let go of yourself. It’s the only way to be free. Your hormones may control your life sometimes and you will start thinking with your dick, don’t fight it. It will lead to the best times a guy could have. Dream big and work on those dreams. The road will be slow at first and don’t let that bring you to a halt. Keep going, keep going until your legs give out. Don’t sleep to dream, sleep to build your energy and dream when you are awake. Make amends, life is too short to live being pissed off with people. Write shit down. It will help when you start losing your memory. Love your friends; they are going to be one of the biggest and best parts of your life. Stop trying to understand yourself. You will only fail. We are an enigma, just like everybody else.

Eram quod es, Eris quod sum. (Let’s see)

Me.

****

Thanks for the tag, Brandix. I tag Pavi and Realskullzero.

Distort Me

Breathe me
Until all I am is breathless
Break me
Until all I am is fractured

Ruin me
Until all I am is worthless
Burn me
Until all I am is ashes

Doubt me
Until all I am is faithless
Reverse me
Until all I am is inverted

Consume me
Until all I am is faceless
Distort me
Until all I am is static

In Between

They can’t bring me back to life. It won’t matter how much they try, they will never succeed. I refuse to go back. I refuse to welcome the world once again. I hear their cries tainted with sorrow, I see their unhindered pain. I feel their tears fall against my body, stinging me with their agony. Sympathy and cold guilt settles in slowly, but that’s not enough to change my mind. Nothing is, now. This numbness I feel is something I craved for so long. I suffered too long, obliviously. My memories plague my brain but I know how to cherish them. And I will do forever. After all, that is all I have to show who I really am. Everything I wanted to be, everything I wanted to do, everything they wanted to see in me was gone. What was, becomes history, what would have been, becomes a mystery. What is, is nothing. It’s over now. It’s time to move on. I feel the numbness overpowering me, caressing my weakness into awakening. I feel myself going blind and the world stops turning. A calm surrender washes over me and I feel released, detached from an anonymous burden. I turn my back to the world, to the life I lived and the love I shared. I turn my back to the world and let the unknown consume me.

 

For death begins with life’s first breath And life begins at touch of death