You Are My Anarchy

I know your desires
like you know mine
I see through what
your fear hides
Don’t be afraid
for I have no shame
Let go of yours
it’s only a facade

You used to be twisted
How did you unwind?
Was it that easy
to resist your desires?
Teach me how
so that I can too
Maybe then I can stop
being a fool for you

But I still see
the sparks in your eyes
I long to set them ablaze
and stop living this lie
I wonder if you’ll follow
if I lead you in
Or will you choose to ignore
lock our world in a dream

But I believe in destiny
and I believe in tragedy
You won’t see me give in
for I see you linger
From now to infinity
Until I am your surrender
And you are my anarchy

Disindependence

Come, hide all your battle scars
Dispossess weapons of yesterday’s war
Freedom never came for free
Bloodstains never leave the hand that sinned
Good is cursed with a voice
Evil is blessed with a gun
Gunshots speak louder than words
The last laugh is enjoyed by a bullet
Silenced without right
Until Good gives up the fight
When Violence is questioned
Silence becomes the right answer

We are free when we shut our eyes
To the failing world outside
We are free when we shut our ears
To the sound of Injustice’s cheers
We are free when our voices sleep
Inside a dream of corruption and deceit
We are free when we shut our minds
Believe in all the worldly lies
We are free when we believe
That the world is just
We are free when we believe
That in silence we can trust

Happy Independence Day. We are all free.

Addictions & Asylums

I’m weary
Oh so weary
Sick of all this white
Can you take me
Somewhere dark
I want to rest my eyes

I’m helpless
Oh so helpless
This numbness can’t be right
I lost the friends I had
Inside my head
Somewhere down the line

I’m afraid
Oh so afraid
Of the demons dressed in white
They frighten me
So much more than
The ones that come out at night

I’m broken
Oh so broken
Can you fix me back to right?
Your remedy
Took away my reality
I’ve forgotten how to smile

I am empty
Oh so empty
Help me feel for one last time
Please inject me
With the life I had
I just want to die tonight

Lifeless

Lifeless is
what I want you to be
Shut out from everything
that can set you free
I don’t need your emotion
Nor do I need your touch
I just want you still
surrendered to me
For all I can feel
is all that is empty
and all I can see
is what the blind see
So I’ll pull you in
I’ll pick you apart
Until you are as lifeless
as lifeless as me

Buba Express.

On the train tracks I stood listening to the railway band a few distances away singing some Sinhala melodies. My friend had gone to buy the weed and I was waiting until the transaction was over. What I wanted to be a quiet night turned into a very exciting one for me. My friend came and we went over to his place to smoke the boob doob (why am I obsessed with this word. See below) we got. Boobs. Smoked up the doob we bought and went to my place to watch a movie. Guess what movie we watched?

The joint hit like mara widiyata and we were trying to find out ways of red eye reduction (not the photography concept, noob!) Oh, rhymes with boob..   Ten minutes into the film I was wishing that I was alone, not in company. Because you know, I feel shit like that sometimes. Soon my wish was granted. My friend decided to leave and I was left alone. Coolies. Watched the movie a bit more and got bored. Decided to smoke the other joint I had got for myself. Hmm. Bad roll from the Buba dude had fucked up the joint. I tried to fix it but then decided to undo it and roll again with better paper.

And that’s when the trouble started.

First, I tried to roll with shitty paper (Grade C) without using my good paper (Stingy!), but it was too fucked up. I tried to do this cool thing I saw on youtube, where he burns away a strip of the paper. I lit the paper and the whole thing was lit, and the fan in the room started blowing ash everywhere in the room, it was like a grey Christmas (Awww). I ran to switch off the fan. Then I took my Grade B paper. Rolled. Shape, not bad for a roll from Grade B. Went to the toilet and lit the fucker up. But I couldn’t feel a damn thing. The roach was fucked. Went back to find a match to clear the roach, tried a few times didn’t work and came back to roll it properly again. This is what happens when you buy weed off your mom’s money.

Tried a harder board and that didn’t work. Looked for a better board and then rolled again. I was really tired of all the hassle I was going through. Then I remembered that great quote ‘perseverance is like awesome. And I grit my teeth and rolled a successful one. There you go. To the bathroom, light it, smoke it. Wait for it. Let it out. Ohh dear….

It hit me like a pom pom (like a pom pom), ok I’m just kidding, and it hit me like really hard. I was so fucked. Second puff. This weed was so good. I was practically stumbling in the darkness.  I heard footsteps on the stairway and quickly closed the door. I stood in the darkness looking in the mirror, or the blackness before me. I took a drag and I saw a bit of my face dimly illuminated in the mirror for a few seconds. Then darkness again, as I put my hand down. Wow. Trippy. A few minutes later the joint was over and I flushed it down the toilet. I had to clean up the ash. Later, I said. To myself. Stumbled out into my room. I had to do something about the smoke smell. Opened my cupboard, took out my perfume and sprayed into the fan. OOWWW MY EYES!!! STUPID FUCK! Waited for my eyes to be shape again and sprayed around the room this time with my face turned away. You live what you learn.

Boobs.

I could barely walk. I stumbled near my desk and fell down on my knees. Fuck! I lay back down and rested my head on the floor and looked down at the ground.  There was crushed weed here and there. A koombiya was nibbling at one. I saw him wobble away after a few seconds. Stoned? (That would be awesome) I got up again and cleaned the area. What a mess I‘ve made. First high (at home) of the year. Shitty Roll. Awesome High. I chose some music to listen to and closed my eyes. Thought it would be a good idea to write this post. Although it’s hard I knew I had to do it. Perseverance is like awesome. On to MS word. And my hands go to the keyboard. I type.

Boob Express.

FAAAARKKKK!

Happy New Year People!

Figment

What have I become?

Another product of my own insanity, a conception of synthetic redemption, an idea progressed within my whims?

A new divide I created within, to make sense of the infinite futility that lies inside. Disconnecting each thought from the next, I separated my mind, picking out the thoughts, exploring them, developing them further. I progressed myself to create a conception of a whole new side which lay hidden for a long time. I awoke the demon that rested peacefully, occasionally stirred by a random thought. This progress to shatter the silence and break the psychological barriers that trapped me was a breath of fresh air. Finding new things, new ideas, and new emotions gave meaning to a life seduced by repetition. This was my adventure, my idea of an inward walkabout; a journey of soul searching.

I pushed my mind to new limits, challenging it in every possible moment with discipline, indulgence, abstinence and addiction. I ventured into the right and wrong, knowing where to draw the line. Thoughts, feelings and desires were examined, created, destroyed and modified to find the perfect harmony of friction. My mind became the safe place, the shelter I seek when I was tired of the world outside. I closed the door on this newfound compulsion and let no one in. I had the key, only I was allowed. What was once tacit was now full blown chaos. And I loved it, I loved the obscurity, I found it peaceful, and I still do.

I never realized I lost a grip on myself until I fell flat on the ground. At first it felt good to feel liberated, saying and doing things I never would have before. Then it all came crashing down on me like an inverted sea, like a chemical imbalance that cannot find equilibrium, an addiction that refused ejection from the system. I grew distant from the life I knew, I lost my filter, I lost the spectacles of perception I had and embraced a whole new psychedelic experience. I subdued my self to my whims. I disconnected. I separated.

Yes, I became a product of my own insanity, a conception of my synthetic redemption, an idea progressed within my whims. I stared into the darkness long enough for it to stare back at me. I liked what I saw, and I liked what I exposed. Now who I was, fights a defeated battle with who I am. I have created a monster. A monster that will exist till the day I make my choice to defeat it. Until that day, I will live in this disequilibrium finding peace in chaos, concord in friction and solace in obscurity.

Everything changes. Everything remains. Some call it degeneration, some call it progress. But it is what it is, and I am what I am. A figment of my imagination, I always will be.

Rest in Pieces

Erase me
Like I erased you
Leave the pieces to rest
Walk away
There’s nothing here
Worth fighting for
This heart is cold
Colder than this world
The fire we danced around
Died with the winds of change
Our footprints remain
Waiting for the waves
To wash them away
Erase me
Like everything else
Go light a fire
In a different place
Dance
To your heart’s content
For this heart
Is done, laid to rest

One Day

What better feeling would it be to look back on your life and think, with all the confusion and the hardships life brought you, you have done more than you ever thought you could. You have surpassed your dreams and now you have lived a life bigger than a dream. How good would that feeling feel? To know that you finally succeeded, when back then all you had was unpredictability. To finally be at peace with your heart and your mind knowing that you can safely leave this world, without a single care.

I want to feel that way.  Yes, I really do.

One day, I want to stand at the end of the road and look back at everything and cry a silent tear of joy and smile the most genuine smile I will ever smile, for me. A smile for my little victories in this vast universe. To finally be content. I want to feel the darkness inside me, slowly detach from my body and stand next to me as a shadow staring back, just as I am. At the end of the path, we stand as two lone figures. I am white and my shadow is black. I want him to look at me and smile as I smile back at him. The last goodbye. Where we part ways after the long battle inside in which we fought together, fought each other for so long. Parting ways with a shake of a hand as friends. No more enemies, no more conflict. A peaceful harmony settled in after the discord of the past. Praising each other on being the greatest challenge, strength and weakness to each other, and finally walking away.

This is the last thing I want to see. This is the last thing I want to feel. My greatest enemy, becoming my best friend. My soul at peace, content finally. The search for the perfect equilibrium, the quest to fulfill an unsung dream, finally over.

I have won the battle of life.