They can’t bring me back to life. It won’t matter how much they try, they will never succeed. I refuse to go back. I refuse to welcome the world once again. I hear their cries tainted with sorrow, I see their unhindered pain. I feel their tears fall against my body, stinging me with their agony. Sympathy and cold guilt settles in slowly, but that’s not enough to change my mind. Nothing is, now. This numbness I feel is something I craved for so long. I suffered too long, obliviously. My memories plague my brain but I know how to cherish them. And I will do forever. After all, that is all I have to show who I really am. Everything I wanted to be, everything I wanted to do, everything they wanted to see in me was gone. What was, becomes history, what would have been, becomes a mystery. What is, is nothing. It’s over now. It’s time to move on. I feel the numbness overpowering me, caressing my weakness into awakening. I feel myself going blind and the world stops turning. A calm surrender washes over me and I feel released, detached from an anonymous burden. I turn my back to the world, to the life I lived and the love I shared. I turn my back to the world and let the unknown consume me.

For death begins with life’s first breath And life begins at touch of death

If somebody from the past asked me what the world is like in 2050, I would find it difficult to explain the life we live. I would probably say it isn’t what the books or the movies depicted it to be. It isn’t what science presumed it to be, even with strong logical support on their theories. It was different from everything we had pictured. It was different from everything we were prepared for. I believe that is where we as humans went wrong.

Theory, although strong with logical reasoning is no match for reality. Reality has a relentless intrinsic opportunity of being unpredictable. This unpredictability led our race through a labyrinth of changes and here we are now a few days after the dawn of 2050. We fought our way through apocalypses, we hid from the prosthetic face of extinction and we did things we never imagined we could do. Yet we fell behind slowly, complacent, into the lying arms of defeat.

Back then, in the little of the life I remember, the media glorified the future, because the world foresaw what science was capable of. But, something went wrong somewhere. The people with the brains, the geniuses of the world, the scientists and the researchers and everyone else in charge of leading the world to betterment, I think they forgot the magnitude of the forces of nature and the world in which science is only a variable and nothing but.

Along the journey to this day, many of us died. We call them the lucky ones. The survivors watched things get from bad to worse. Life was a vicious cycle, and the brave took their own lives because they couldn’t take the world anymore. But I’m getting ahead of my story so I will go back to the beginning. Or the end, if you may. The end of everything you know, and the beginning of everything to come, the things that even I, after living in this Post-Resurrection era, am not fully aware of.

The end of 2011, the buzzword then was the End of Days. We all feared the end; we all wondered what was beyond it. We all wondered if it would actually happen. What we did not know, did not kill us. At least for some time. Presumed to be the last year on planet earth, the world became a stranger place. I had never set my eyes on anything so magical. The end was approaching and the world decided to welcome it with open arms.

Everybody forgot their discords and became friends with everyone else. It took the end of the world to finally bring peace. I remember thinking it was too late. Nations came together to celebrate the world, to celebrate life and to celebrate the end. I remember the sensation that hung in the air during the last few months. There were warm smiles, loving embraces, all full of sympathy to each other. We were like a train full of passengers on a collision course, looking at the end, accepting our fates and smiling through it, wanting to die a happy death. Our eyes were glazed with memories, and our hearts and minds were working fervently to make the most of the little time we had. Something we should have started doing a long, long time ago.

Giant screens occupied every major junction, illustrating the history of mankind as we knew it. The moon landing, Tiananmen Square, the aeroplane, fall of the Berlin Wall, the first computer and every other significant success we lived through was shown for the world to remember what we had accomplished. Our achievements were remembered, our shortfalls were forgotten. Celebrations filled the streets as the people everywhere in the world partied till the end. Music, money, mania, love, festivities. In this manner, we made our way down to the 21st of December in the year 2012. The day the Mayans predicted as the end of the world.

As the days got closer, solemnity replaced the celebrations. We came together as a single race to watch everything we knew, everything we built fall victim to the forces of nature. We watched the world take all our mistakes throughout history and turn them into a web of destruction. It was nature’s revenge for the sacrifices we made. We stood at the face of danger, at the face of the end, with tears in our eyes and heavy hearts, holding onto family friends, lovers, neighbors, pets and strangers.

We waited in silence.

That was the day the world ended.

For the first time.

To be continued…

Got the idea when I saw this tweet by @ZackOzzy. Started thinking about the concept and came up with this. Trying to turn this into a full story, although I have a knack for leaving a lot of stuff incomplete.  So until I do complete it, this is where the end begins.

I’m looking at your picture on my wall
While your voice whispers into my head
And your touch courses through my veins
Our memories pierce my brain
Flashes of light before my eyes
When will this ever end?

I see the smiles that we shared
The few moments we used to care about
Now it seems so far away and I feel out of reach
I quit trying to bite the hand that feeds
Lock away a secret and chase away my dreams
From the truth, the lies and the in between.

Your unabashed memory, my constant surrender
Time plays a game with the things we remember
Distance remains unforgiving until your smile fades
Leaving me here trying to turn the page
Chaotic is the mind that fights to turns away
From the picture that shows glory lost along the way

Today I missed you
Like I have never before
So I sat down wishing, not for you
But your picture I threw away
The letters that used to make my day
And the lies you put inside my head

My mind broke into a run
To the fields of yesteryear
I thought of how it used to be
When you used to taint my dreams
As you put my soul to sleep
Back to the days when I believed
The world isn’t further than you and me

Now I can only imagine
How it would have been
If you were still here
Would life be an empty sphere
Now I can only imagine
What if you were still the one?
Would you still complete me?
Or would we still hate who
We made each other to be?

Now I can only imagine
The faint memory of your touch
The smile on your lips
The day you broke my heart
Now I can only imagine
Everything that I missed
Everything that makes me
Sit here and only imagine

Infected with poison
This needle pricks my skin
The pain is not the answer
Yet it bring me close to it

The blood at first was scary
Now I find it quite amusing
It helps to forget the taste of defeat
When the needle pricks my skin

Bathe myself in this acid rain
Scratch the surface of desire
An intriguingly guilty pleasure
Of setting my soul on fire

It’s easier to close my eyes
To see through the blinding pain
I feel the virus taking over
As it calmly rapes my brain

The hatred remains forgotten
The world collapses in bliss
I’ll put myself out of misery
Inside my bleeding abyss

Rip away the ties that bind
Tear my soul at the seams
Give in to the void within
When the needle pricks my skin

Quiet desperation
For immediate intoxication
A busted wallet
Another night broke
A pointless journey?

A long awaited victory
A wasted night
Not a night gone to waste
Moments of regret
A touch of deliverance
A journey back in time
With the songs that bind us
Through the thick and the thin

A delicate hangover
Shocking wakeup call
His dick is bleeding???
A bloody Sunday!
Moments out of depth
Confrontations of fear
Another act of kindness
Impulse behavior
A pack of condoms
For risky business
The passion of desire
A new beginning
The memories are saved
Another week ends here

There’s nothing here
Only the sound of silence
A peaceful feeling
But I long for something more

There’s nothing here
Only a faint memory of you
A beautiful vision
But I wish you were real

There’s nothing here
Only the guilt inside
A disappointment
But it brings me to reality

There’s nothing here
Just my own reflection
A stranger’s face
But it all feels so familiar

There’s nothing here
Only the long road back
A trying journey
But I have nothing more

The light fell a few inches shy from his feet as he stood at the edge of the darkness. The ring of the spotlight was just within reach yet it seemed like a long distance from his standpoint. A feeling of refreshing security hung around him as he stood alone in a crowded room, feeling safe because no one could see who he was. He heard the invisible people in the room as they shuffled their feet waiting for someone to step into the light. The anticipation that hung in the air was enhanced as the atmosphere around him became more contrived with each fleeting moment.

Torn apart by choice, he felt the battle that raged on underneath his skin as he fought against his indecision. Confused as to what he wanted more, to stay in the darkness or walk into the light, he cursed himself for being this way. With every moment his curiosity grew and his urge for recognition became the itch that could never be scratched. The part of him holding him back was slowly subsiding, he knew. It was giving up in lingering trepidation, yet the choice was being made clear. Suddenly something inside him snapped and he felt his feet moving, by the orders of some unknown force within. The chains that were holding him had been broken and he took the two steps into the light slowly.

The light was blinding and it burnt his skin. A quiet hush filled the room as the air of anticipation was replaced by curiosity propelled into the room by the minds and eager eyes of the crowd. He felt the eyes bearing into him as they tried to read him. Every move he made was now visible to the world. The strength he found in stealth was no longer potent. His life was on display and what he thought would be effective for the soul was now disintegrating him from the inside. It hurt too much. It hurt to show his face and the scars that he had accumulated on his journey. Here he was showing off the things he had wanted to hide, to a roomful of strangers, giving out an open invitation for anybody to take their shot at him, be it with compassion or malice. All he searched for was to feel vindicated for the choices he made, and now he found himself regretting the very decision to move forward.

There was something about the light which empowered his weaknesses over the little strength that he built up in the darkness. Warning signals went off inside his head as he realized everyone could see the fear and weakness in his eyes. He tried to hide it but failed miserably.  Like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming truck, he stood his ground indecisive and remorseful, hating himself for every choice he had made along the way. He felt the crowd around him leeching off on his weak mental state, like bloodthirsty vampires in the presence of fresh prey. It was too late to turn around and go back into the darkness. They knew who he was. Even if he wanted to, he could not move within the spotlight because the crowd had closed in on him giving him no space to breathe. Transfixed to his decision, he fought a losing battle against immobility.

He felt everything that he built up crumbling around in the light. The light gave away his weaknesses to the world, while reflecting them again to him. He could see himself the way the world did, and he was not satisfied with what he could see. The frailties which he thought were cleverly concealed within his daily façade, the ones he deliberately erased from his life, and made believe they never existed; the ones which he sought redemption from were now all visible. Old wounds were opening and there was no way to stop the blood surge.

His heart was pounding in his chest as he felt the force of the crowd increasing. A few words to break the silence; a pathetic excuse for self defense, the last resolution against a strong opponent. He cleared his throat and racked his brain, yet the thoughts got lost along the way to verbal liberation and he found himself speaking in silence.

This had got to end.

He reached into his jacket and felt his fingers close around the cold steel of his Beretta M9. A moment of hesitation passed as he pondered his actions. He could not trust his decisions anymore, yet from his myopic viewpoint this was the only way out. The gun slid into his hand comfortably as it was released from its daily confinement in his jacket.

He looked directly into the light and shut his eyes; raising his hand he squeezed the trigger with an extremely confident blind aim, feeling the force of the bullet pulsate his body with liberation. The silence of the room was shattered by the gunshot and a bloodcurdling scream as the world was enveloped in darkness.

06.05.2009

The mind keeps spinning as the thoughts enter my brain in my rapid succession. I feel them whirling around like a whirlpool as so many memories of so many moments keep flashing before my eyes. I see visions of my past, of the highs and the lows that I experienced.

The times I laughed until tears formed in my eyes and my sides hurt, the random spontaneous journeys with my friends, our differences, arguments, and my school life. The best highs in life, my life highs and the intoxicated highs where going wild is the only road to take. Voices echo in my head, a peaceful invasion to the barrage of memories. The voices belong to the people who made those memories. I listen to them and drift back along memory lane, listening to the laughter and the conversation.

My mind drifts onto my moments of solitude, the ‘Me’ time I find very important; the moments in which I take a time-out from the rest of the world to hang out with myself. Sitting on beaches alone, watching the sunset and listening to the waves, alone inside my head, yet not feeling lonely at all. The times that I sometimes felt divided and wanted to leave everything behind. Thinking about my dreams and how I want to achieve them so badly. How I stumble and fall, how I get up again and smile and keep walking. My many deaths and resurrections and the things I stand for and everything in between.

It happens fast and each memory replaces the next soon. Some of the memories burn inside my head, leaving only the embers to glow in the darkness and light my way on my cerebral journeys assuring me that If I lose myself I have the memories to guide me back to who I am.

And then the clock strike midnight.

And I strike 23.

Happy faces wish me a Happy Birthday with warm smiles, hugs and pats on the back. Phone calls and SMS’s come flooding in wishing me the best and happy returns. And I stand there surrounded by some of the people I love the most, grinning like an idiot and showing that inside I’m not really 23 and I just don’t give a fuck about the number.

So this isn’t really goodbye 22. Your time is up but you will always remain, because you were an amazing run. The best I ever had yet. 23 needs to work hard to top you, but I’m behind the wheel and I got it gripped with both hands with the pedal to the metal and I make a silent vow to never stop. The wind is in my hair and the journey that I have traveled so far, stretches out farther. But I’m ready for it. The ride thrills me and the speed, although said to kill, keeps me alive. I got my thoughts focused and as I watch life pass me by in the rearview mirror, I feel a sudden surge of self induced innovation.

Another new beginning of all things to come?

Well I’m ready. Bring it on.

I’ll keep my silence and watch you draw your borders
To limit my freedom and keep me within
I’ll watch and wait while you explain your rules
And the reason behind this game we are playing
I’ll sip your medicine and pretend I like the taste
And accept defeat openly to your face
So that you can breathe your sighs of relief
Thinking that you finally brainwashed me
I’ll do what you say and keep myself inside
And lock me up from the world outside
I’ll dance to your tune; I promise not to pull the strings
Those that hold me up and make me do these things
I’ll limit myself to the empty space inside my head
I’ll stop living the life I love and learn to play dead
As you poison my mind with your sincere words
I’ll pretend that I can’t see right through your curse
I’ll smile sincerely while you try to change me
I’ll try to be everything that you want me to be
But there will be a price to pay one day you’ll see
The more you take control the more you lose me
I hope these screams of antipathy resonate in your dreams
Because the dream you have for me, is a nightmare I’m trapped in
Because at the end of the day you are on the highest rung
As you pull me up with you, my dreams will remain unsung
You can mandate my silence and deny my right to grow
I promise not to strike back but I want you to know
You may think you won the battle, but I’m prepared for the war
Because no matter what you do you can never change my soul